Monday, September 9, 2013

Why Parenting is a Long Self-Depricating and Humiliating Mess or Why is Toilet Paper Fun?

When I was pregnant I remember picking up a random Parents magazine and reading an article about a mother who lost all sense of privacy/modesty after having children. The climax of the story being her son running in on her shower and asking where her penis was and informing her that her non-penis was furry. My naively shocked self was horrified and vowed my soon-to-be born son would NEVER follow me into the bathroom.  Haha. Ha...ha....sigh.

I feel like this last week was the perfect storm for the morning we had. My son had recently mastered not only walking, but days later running. He was enjoying his newly found freedom in the house and I did no not always have the energy to fight him on it. Our house already felt like a fortress of gates that I can barely manage to open and the dog gets locked in between them so often that we resort to closed doors and, well, giving in to allowing him in areas we probably just shouldn't. Not for danger sake but for our own sanity.

After a screaming tantrum that involved throwing Goldfish in Target (I mean, it's Target not Walmart! I swore I would never be that mom - ha! More apologies to parents I have previously judged) I lost my patience and ran him home sooner than I was ready. He luckily fell asleep in the car and I was dying to transfer him to his crib so I could run to the bathroom.Of course the fire alarm in his room was beeping due to a low battery so he immediately woke up and had enough energy for four more hours of fun. I was enjoying my monthly and could not wait any longer and attempted to make a run for the bathroom. As soon as I sat down, I realized I had an audience. Joy.

What I didn't realize immediately was he had seen me open the cabinet door for supplies. He precociously helped himself to the same door (completely out of my reach), and emptied my box of tampons all over the floor. I quickly called him over to distract him from anything else under the sink. Then he noticed the toilet paper for the first time. He grabbed the roll and ran away screaming. Now any woman will agree with me, this is not the time you want to run out of toilet paper. So I'm yelling and screaming in my most pleasant voice, "Mommy needs that, can you please bring it back? Can Mommy have that? Can you share that with Mommy? Can you bring that to Mommy?" He just stood in the doorway with the most devilish grin. Where do they learn that?! He finally brought it back and I attempted to finish my business but not before two little hands and a head are prying my knees apart to have a peek. "No, that's not yours. Mommy needs what's called privacy. Can you find the dog? Where is the dog? Is she in the other room?" Never in his life has he missed an opportunity to find our dog whom he loves (to torture). He finally backed away and went for the toilet paper again. I blocked the roll from being kidnapped again but he caught the end of the roll and realized the magic of unraveling paper. He ran holding the paper and I saw streamers of paper go before my eyes. I quickly decided this was the best option and ripped the end before it all disappeared. At least he left me some this time and I can finish what I need to do. For now.

Did I mention this same day he found a glass and chucked it down a tile hallway for it to shatter a violent death the same exact time our smoke alarm went off because something had spilled in our oven while I was preheating for dinner? Yep, it was that kind of day. I have a feeling this is only the beginning.

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1 comment:

  1. All I can say to this is WOW! Can only get better from this point, and try to keep your sense of humor, it will get you through anything!!!!!